goodbye orange county, hello uncertainty!

A couple days ago, I moved back to my mom’s house in Camarillo. It seemed rather appropriate, considering the timing of the new year, but I found myself dreading it just a little bit. It’s not that I don’t want to be here, I just know that this move is one big step in the transition for me in moving to Paraguay. After saying goodbyes in Orange County, and moving an hour and a half away from the life that I’m used to, I’m starting to realize that it’s a lot harder to say goodbye than I thought it was. How do you just end one chapter of your life and move onto the next without feeling some sorrow for what you are leaving behind? I’m realizing it takes a different kind of courage to leave everything you know and are comfortable with. I’m so excited to leave, but I’m terrified at the same time and I feel like I’ve moved into a whirlwind of emotions. This morning I was talking with my mom and a wave of fear came crashing down on me and tears started rolling down my cheeks. Suddenly for no apparent reason, I was missing people already and terrified to move to another country and speak a language I don’t understand.
It’s this weird mix of emotions that I haven’t figured out how to sort out yet. I keep on thinking, “WHAT. am. I. DOing??” The answer is, I have no idea, but I’m doing it anyway. When I tell people I’m going into the Peace Corps, a lot of people say, “oh I wish I could do something like that!” The thing is, “something like that” always sounds better on paper than it feels in real life. It’s those fears though that make it as exciting as it is and make me want to do it even more. I’m scared, but isn’t it that uncertainty that makes it worth it? Don’t the challenges make it all the more exciting? Isn’t that why I wanted to do this in the first place? Maybe that’s what life is about, taking challenges and running with them, taking those fears and overcoming them. Whether it is or not, that’s what I’m doing. I don’t really know what Paraguay holds for me, but I’m going there anyway. 36 days and counting!!!